"Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them." Psalm 126:6
If I had known...I would be haunted, sleep would escape me when I needed it most, or that my head would swirl in confusion, while hatred would fill my heart for myself...I would never have chosen abortion. I can't go back and undo the past to take back all that was robbed of me. Even more harrowing is my anger betrays me as well. The fading light brings comfort when the days get long and grueling. Aching bones drag alongside my fragmented spirit day after day. I have tried and am only tired to keep the charade that I am okay. Like a ghost in a shell, I press on for a deeper breath to sustain this current shallow existence.
The mind is relentless Sister. How can it be stopped and stilled? It shakes me, pulls me, drifts me, so far away from my former self, I am unaware of the cages it creates. I pray often and beg God to take this torment from me. "Why, can't I just be normal?" I scream in agony, "How long do I have to suffer for the consequences of my choices!?! How long!?! I can't carry this anymore! It is too much to bear!" I will forever be changed. Giving it all to you God, my brokenness, the pieces of my heart, all the dreams of this life, and some I will never wish for again unless you make them a reality, I hold out my hands empty.
No one understands my self-induced torture. Trying to explain where I am has no avail. I did this to myself, believed the lies, took the bait, so it is on me. Statements are offered to band-aid my despair, such as : :you just need more faith... God's grace is sufficient for you...this is a heart issue... wanting to commit suicide is selfish... it is like being an addict... you need to trust God MORE... None of those statements gave me the one tool required to pry this steel trap that has imprisoned my mind. The ideation of being out of my misery consumes every thought, my actions, and even words spoken from others to me regarding the predicament I find my self.
I needed revelation and wisdom in this! I asked God incessantly to help me understand. I have come to the bottom of myself over and over again. To my astonishment there is more depth to delve. Our human soul can't be contained in words alone. God has a great way of revealing another layer to the promises of grace when we are at what we think is the bottom.
Lifeless, contrite, and surrendered I gave up. Again. While another painful death of my inner self is still not complete, even though, I surrendered my life to God in December of 2005, the light of my salvation is still being worked out as I walk my Soul Story. When I was at what I thought was the bottom, there was grace. More and more grace.
1 Corinthians 2:10-13 The Voice (VOICE)
"God has shown us these profound and startling realities through The Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep mysteries of God. Who can see into a man’s heart and know his thoughts? Only the spirit that dwells within the man. In the same way, the thoughts of God are known only by His Spirit. You must know that we have not received the spirit of this rebellious and broken world but the Spirit that comes from God, so that we may experience and comprehend the gifts that come from God. We do not speak of these gifts of God in words shaped by human wisdom; we speak in words crafted by the Spirit because our collective judgment on spiritual matters is accessible to those who have the Spirit."
I am not saying that one Scripture creates a (POOF) and magically you are healed, for I know this struggle very well and the reality of it personally. Just when I think I am doing well, the fight for my life gets harder than the years before when I struggled with suicide. This last bout was not about my shame it was a mental darkness that was unbearable with the weight, I bucked quickly. Defeated. It taught me the power of how thoughts shape our mental health.
In that stillness I listened, waiting. I can't save myself God, I need you, please hear me! Where are you? I'm too weak to fight this. I looked at my Self, my essence, deep into my own eyes and admitted that all I wanted was to die, as the tears welled again, coming out of my dry soul that is far from home, wondering in a desert land, gently faithful comfort came. Again.
What I am saying, is that The Spirit gave me the keys to my Hell. Wrestling with my True Self in a thirsty dry land The Spirit didn't leave me there, to dangle the keys in front of me as I withered. The rescue plan was designed to be impeccable. Designed so that I take the keys my Self with a newfound trust, because I am loved fiercely. No matter how far I have run away in shame from love there is no punishment nor condemnation as I approach The Throne of Grace to receive the mercy and grace being offered.
What I see in the face of Christ is exactly that. No punishment nor condemnation as I understand in 1 John 3, the whole chapter. There is only love. The Spirit comes down to where we are, healing o