Culturally, I was raised that appearance is extremely important. Performance was equivocal to being accepted and loved.
Feeling a constant war within in my conscious mind, striving to be perfect, so that I will be loved, let alone liked, I started to drown. Not flailing, gasping for breath drowning. More like a slow, tedious, meticulous dripping into my heart until my soul's fire was extinguished.
Living from the outside in, my eyes sought beauty, goodness and grace in hopes that maybe, one day I could become what I wanted in my own watery grave. My feet settled into the depth, finding sure-footedness, so there I stayed.
Initial glance at this piece of pottery, it would appear The Artist deliberately created it exactly how you see it now. The lovely gold placed intentionally where it is, enhancing its intrinsic beauty. The art work purposefully created to be pleasing to the eye, as the value it possesses. Yet, in our perception of what we see, that is the farthest from the truth. What is visible came from the redemption of each broken shard restored more beautiful, unique in its scars, repaired, so that, nothing has been wasted.
Look close dear sisters. What do you see? A masterpiece of brokenness? High priced pottery? Listen, this priceless creation was shattered. Deliberately? Accidentally? Purposefully? I can't answer the how for the pottery but, I know the same fate. Abuse, abortion, addiction and betrayal became a constant chatter of my severed hope, always reminded me to stay in the shadows, where light ceased to refract. My shame broke me, shattered my soul in too many scattered parts to count.
Kintsukuroi, meaning “golden repair" the centuries-old Japanese art of fixing broken pottery, (the picture shown) is a visual depiction of how brokenness becomes beautiful. Wonderfully handcrafted seams of gold, silver or platinum shimmer light back into the cracks, smoothing each fissure into a distinguished character, revealing its unique history. The Artist's repair methodology enhances the ceramic ware's fractures rather than hiding them, knowing the end result is more beautiful and valuable than the original with a new revitalized life.
Girl, you have a distinguished character and unique history. And it is beautiful.