"Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them." Psalm 126:6
If I had known...I would be haunted, sleep would escape me when I need it most, my head would swirl in confusion, hatred would fill my heart for myself...I would never have chosen abortion. I can't go back and undo the past to take back all that was robbed of me. My anger betrays me too. The fading light brings comfort when the days get long and grueling. Aching bones drag alongside my fragmented spirit day after day. I have tried and am only tired to keep the charade that I am okay. Like a ghost in a shell, I press on for a deeper breath to sustain this current shallow existence.
The mind is relentless sister. How can it be stopped and stilled? It shakes me, pulls me, drifts me, so far away from my former self, I am unaware of the cages it creates. I pray often and beg God to take it from me. "Why, can't I just be normal?" I scream in agony, "How long do I have to suffer for the consequences of my sin!?! How long!?! I can't carry this anymore! It is too much to bear!" Normal is not for me anymore, I will forever be changed. I have given you God, my brokenness, the pieces of my heart, all the dreams of this life, and some I will never wish for again unless you make them a reality.
No one understands my self-induced torture. I try to explain where I am to no avail. I did this to myself, believed the lies, took the bait, so it is on me. Labels are given to bandaid my despair, such as | you just need more faith | this is a heart issue | wanting to commit suicide is selfish | it is like being an addict | you need to trust God MORE | ...none of those statements give me the one tool required to pry this steel trap that has imprisoned my mind. The ideation of being out of my misery consumes every thought, my actions, and even words spoken from others to me regarding the predicament I find my self.
Darkness is not selfish. It is hopelessness. Whether you are devout or devoid, hopelessness can slither its way into places you didn't even know were a part of you. Darkness is an absence of light. Shining light into the dark places of your mind, heart and spirit is where you begin to understand God's purpose for the pain. Remember the simplicity of a small candle lit is more illuminated because of the darkness.
Isaiah 11:2 "The Spirit of the Lord will rest on Him-The Spirit of Wisdom and of Understanding, The Spirit of Counsel and of Power, The Spirit of Knowledge and the fear of the Lord."
I need revelation and wisdom in this! I asked God to help me understand. I have come to the bottom of myself over and over again. To my astonishment there is more depth to delve. The human soul can't be contained in words alone. God has a great way of revealing another layer to His promises when we are at what we think is the bottom. Lifeless, contrite and broken I give up. Again. While death of my inner self is still not complete, even though, I surrendered my life to Christ in December of 2005, the light of my salvation is still being worked out.
1 Corinthians 2:10-13 The Voice (VOICE)
"God has shown us these profound and startling realities through His Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep mysteries of God. Who can see into a man’s heart and know his thoughts? Only the spirit that dwells within the man. In the same way, the thoughts of God are known only by His Spirit. You must know that we have not received the spirit of this rebellious and broken world but the Spirit that comes from God, so that we may experience and comprehend the gifts that come from God. We do not speak of these gifts of God in words shaped by human wisdom; we speak in words crafted by the Spirit because our collective judgment on spiritual matters is accessible to those who have the Spirit."
I am not saying that one Scripture creates a (POOF) and magically you are healed, for I know this struggle very well and the reality of it personally. Just when I think I am doing well, the fight for my life gets harder than the years before when I struggled with suicide. This last bout was not about my shame it was a mental darkness that was unbearable with the weight, I bucked quickly. Defeated.
In that stillness I listened, waiting. I can't save myself God, I need you, please hear me! Where are you? I'm too weak to fight this. I looked at myself, deep into my own eyes and admitted that all I wanted was to die, as the tears welled again, coming to my dry soul that is far from home, wandering in a desert land, gently His faithful comfort came. Again.
What I am saying, is that Our Lord has the keys of your Hell. His Spirit won't leave you there to dangle them in front of you as you wither. The rescue plan He designed is impeccable, so that, you, yourself take the keys with a newfound trust, because He loves you, fiercely. His Spirit comes down to where you are, moving in your heart and the heart's of your loved ones, as they speak truth and care into your parched soul to bring about deep healing and understanding of the things of God.
Lift your head up, open your heart, let your eyes see. In the light of His promises and love, He can give you more than you can ask or imagine according to His power that is at work within us. (Ephesians 3:20) Don't miss one single gift or blessing by quitting the race, sister. The best is yet to come. Hang on, The Lord is coming.
1 Peter 2:9 NIV "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light. "