Updated: May 11
It isn't as simple as they told me. How can I be expected to change what I have built my life on? If I change any one belief that I have relied on to keep me safe, then the whole structure will fall! This is where I WANT to be. I am safe here.
I built this tower from the foundation up. My whole life deliberately constructed every brick, molded in the shape of my fear, failure, and doubt, then stacked with precision to create this fortress. The windows are set in place where the light can illuminate the darkness of my choosing. I like to hide in the corner where the light can't reach, since this is the place that is most comfortable for me. I feel safe in my white tower.
Yes, I asked for wisdom! I did cry out to you God in the quiet recesses of my mind and asked to understand why each Night the darkness seems to stay just a little longer. I asked to understand. I did NOT ask to change this whole paradigm to rearrange my entire existence!
As You sent visitors to my white tower, I saw their futile thinking and way of life as erroneous, to say the least describing the freedom The Sun gave them. Any attempts to plead their cause settled in my darkness.
The last visitor you sent was a sojourner. She had such a confidence in You. Her adventurous heart shared the places she trekked in darkness, climbing terrain that was harsh, dangerous, and absolutely treacherous.
Each word trickled down into my soul creating a pool of disdain. I let it fill me slowly, as I listened how she navigated, with no safety net, in case of a disastrous fall. And I became angry, until my spirit broke. This is ridiculous. How can someone just go at it with such carelessness?
Asking me to trust something that is not tangible, belief in this unseen phenomena is foolishness. I told her to leave me alone and get out! She left me with her story as the door gently found its frame and clicked into place.
Sitting in a fume of smoke from my own head spinning, the Sun began to set. The last rays of light illuminated my dark corner. As I raised my head to watch the beauty of splashed color on the horizon, I realized there were mirrors all around me. Why had I not seen them before now? Had they always been there God? Had my own darkness kept me from the reflection? As the Sun began to fade into dusk, I looked at myself and saw my Soul with the approach of Night.
Revelation came as reflection in the last moments of sunset. As the light was dissipating, I saw the only way back to The Light was to navigate down the dangerous and absolutely treacherous walls of my white tower without a safety net. My safe white tower had to be demolished brick by brick, to be able to descend down to the bottom of myself. My stomach quivered, as each brick laid molded of my fear, worry, failure and faults splashed into my moat. Trust began to build with renewed strength to continue until I reached the bottom.
Exhausted in surrender, I heard Nature call out in a cacophony to welcome the dawn. The Sun responded with a dappled dance in farewell to the long Night beckoning me to bask. There was no refute when The Sun shed on my bedrock. Awestruck, I watched The Light’s beauty shimmer, as each fear cascaded into freedom.